words again

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This past season has not been one of words.

I have had thoughts and questions and deep feelings of dissonance, but no words to describe or make sense of any of it.

I have witnessed events and taken pictures and seen with eyes, but haven’t been able to expound on what they mean to me verbally.

In a dark bedroom, as I lay exhausted after another day of sameness – wake up tired still, make breakfast, clean breakfast, occupy children, clean house, work out, pick up from school, get through the afternoon, make dinner, read books, send littles to bed, finally collapse with a cup of tea – my husband commented that lately, we have given up our hopes and dreams and traded them in for just going through the motions of a normal life.  We have settled, just like “everyone else”.  I thought this is what I always wanted – continuity, sameness, being grounded.

The good is I love experiencing community and being dedicated to the place I live, but there is always the feeling that there must be something more – I am not truly engaged.

And it is numbing.

I used to believe that I was “meant for something big”, that this was some sort of life calling that I would champion something and make a difference.  How many people from my generation feel that way?  Now I say, “…that is just an illusion I believed, ‘confirmed’ by coincidences and pride.  Now I’m just trying to figure out the simple small thing I can do that makes an impact somewhere.”

Even when numb, I can feel that sting.

It is not that I want to be some big incredible awesome thing, but rather that I want to be working toward something meaningful and who says that it cannot be big or make a big impact, just because it seems prideful or unreasonable or I’m really not that great?  Amazing things that happen aren’t always the result of an amazing person, but rather an ordinary person who has stepped up at the right time around the right people and done something right and beautiful and that contributes to something BIGGER and more AMAZING than themselves.

I long to dream again and connect all these passions and concerns that feel disjointed and like they have been a little snuffed out.

As things settle – finals over, holiday projects done with, time slowing down again – I am feeling the urge to think and write and actually wrestle in a more productive way over these things close to my chest, in a way that brings about a more concrete resolution – even if I don’t come to a complete answer

I just want to dream again.

– b.e.

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